The healthy guide to Christmas

healthy guide to christmas

The day we start celebrating Christmas is getting earlier every year, and so does the fun. We’re now well into the “let’s meet up in November because December is bound to be a nightmare” season (created in 2013, fact fans) so we’re also well into “yeah, I might do Dry January next year” season (the worst of all the seasons, except January).

But wait! Perhaps there’s no need to worry! Is it possible that enough permutations of enough studies have been done to find supporting evidence for the health benefits of all your favourite vices? Why yes, yes it is. Merry November, kids.

Here’s the healthy guide to Christmas


Christmas isn’t Christmas without Champagne that quickly runs out and is swapped for Prosecco in the hope no one notices. But if you want the motivation to queue at Lidl because The Observer has recommended a Champagne for £12, here it is: drinking three glasses a week staves off Alzheimers. To be more exact, scientists have given rats three tiny rat sized champagne flutes a week (d’aw), and as a result, the rats have enjoyed a boost to their spatial memory and enjoyed a reduction in brain disease. Chin bloody chin.


All women have “a square of dark chocolate after dinner will offset any cravings” tattooed on them at birth, but it turns out, we can all get stuck in to the Galaxy Family Bar. The Kuna Indians of Panama drink cocoa as their main beverage (ballers) and they have exceptionally low blood pressure, probably because they are living their best lives. There’s also a study of 30 people suggesting that chocolate lowers stress levels, which is great news, because it suggests that anyone with an extended family of average size can now run their own “clinical” trials.


This article says that Santa is beneficial in treating respiratory diseases, and he’s particularly useful in loosen phlegm!

Oh. It’s a herb. Oh. It’s homeopathy. Stand down.

Red Wine

There are antioxidants in red wine that mean it’s far better to get stuck into compared to white wine – everyone who has ever popped to Spar at 9pm after sitting on the sofa thinking about wine since 7pm knows that. But did you know that red wine is good for your teeth? Ignore the grey-ish tinge your teeth take on after an evening at Wetherspoons – red wine actually is one of the best liquids at killing the bacteria in your mouth. It’s no toothbrush, but it’s a start.


Christmas hangovers are healthy, because the next day you don’t fancy mulled wine, or fun, or photocopying your bum. It’s also worth noting that Sprite has been proven to be the best cure for this particular health benefit.


Coffee is 10/10 when it comes to the number of studies out there trying to prove it’s great, which is actually the ultimate study in “beverages scientists enjoy”. Findings thus far have concluded that coffee will prevent erectile disfunction, reduce cardiovascular disease, and the big one: lessen the odds of premature death. All other studies should take note of this phrasing– aren’t we all just looking to avoid shuffling off this mortal coil early doors?

Red Bull

We tried, but nah, sorry mate. You’re fucked.