Which festival has the fewest dickheads? We asked Facebook Insights

Running Death to Flowers involves lots of time spent faffing around with analytics, and insight reports, and apparently, finding out unequivocally which festival has the fewest dickheads.

Yes, it turns out Facebook has created a tool whereby you can spy on people to find out what they like. For instance, did you know that if someone likes David Cameron, they’re also likely to like Beats by Dre? Makes sense, when you think about it.

And so, as the weather turns arctic and we start wondering if we’ll ever be warm again, we’ve all started thinking about summer festivals. But wait. Before you throw down that cash, we’ve used the aforementioned Facebook tool to work out which festival has, on balance, the fewest number of worst people.

Secret Garden Party

Secret Garden Party

Look at that list. These guys like to get fuuuuuucked uuuuuup (but fucked up with regular breaks for a cup of chamomile tea). Last year they were definitely wearing feather headdresses, but that’s thankfully over now, so they’re reverting back to copious amounts of face paint and weirdly elaborate woodland creature costumes.


V Festival

V Festival


They may not have actually been to Ibiza, but they own several Ibiza chillout albums and have listened to them whilst the sun has come up in Brentford. Tbc on whether Lucy from TOWIE does actually bring the promised results. Amazingly, this is where you can watch Lucy Mecklenburgh be trained by her personal trainer and follow along, which is like the internet version of exercising within earshot of the Army Fitness guy on Clapham Common.




Oh WHERE to begin?? The love of mascara – who loves mascara? It’s the most boring of all the make-up items. That is SO TELLING.  The fact that the only concert venue they like is Glastonbury – could “Glasto” be the only live music they see this year? They appear to love things that are cool, epic and funny – “I enjoy nights out with friends as much as I like watching a boxset at home” is their Tinder bio. And there’s no such local business as ‘There Should Be a 99p Coin’, babes.


Burning Man

burning man


Company: Home. Of. Poi. They talk about how they smoke too much weed, have an ayahuasca story, or at least a friend with an ayahuasca story, and once almost shagged a Shaman. FYI, The Headspace is a clothing brand, and these are some of the clothes they offer:

burning man dickheads

Green Man Festival

Green Man festival


Anyone who has been to Green Man Festival will recognise this list – it ‘s the only festival where the non-vegan is wildly underserved. It won’t shock you to learn that politically speaking there’s nothing to the left of your typical Green Man attendee.

Reading and Leeds

Reading and Leeds


You may not recognise the things that the average Leeds/Reading festival go-er likes, but you will recognise their type. The entertainment page ‘Will’s Mum’ apparently refers to Will’s mum off The Inbetweeners. There’s a whole community of people who will discuss Cheryl Cole and how much she looks a bit (just a bit, not even a lot) like Michael Jackson. They’re young, they’re noisy, they have heaps of fun, you do not want them anywhere near you at a festival.







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